In recent months, the Warren County prosecutor’s office has served warrants on several people for domestic assault.In most of those cases, a man was using force to control or intimidate his girlfriend or wife. In one case, a woman struck her husband with her vehicle, because she “couldn’t take it anymore.” He survived.Both men and women can be victims of abuse by a partner, but women are far more likely to report it.While abuse comes in many forms, the behavior is often learned and is passed down to the next generation, either to abuse — to get one’s way — or to accept abuse — as a form of love — because when kids grow up seeing that, they process it as “normal” behavior.“It skews their vision of what a healthy relationship looks like,” said Jolynn Houchins, director of programs for Turning Point, a resource center and shelter in Warren County for victims of domestic and sexual violence.And so the cycle of abuse continues, in whatever form was learned — physical, sexual, emotional, financial, control, intimidation, manipulation, stalking, coercion . . .“Healthy relationships have conflict, but they don’t rely on violence, control, manipulation or coercion,” said Houchins.“A healthy relationship is balanced. Both persons’ needs and ideas are respected,” she said. “There’s negotiating and determining who’s best at filling roles for the family to function. It’s dangerous when one person is making all the rules.”At Turning Point, people call the hotline seeking shelter or other assistance. Turning Point offers programs and support services for victims at all stages of need.Houchins said domestic abuse is misunderstood, even by those who are living it.“Abusers have a way of being really charming, so when they start the abuse, it grows steady and gradual,” she said.Over time, the charming person the victim fell in love with gets a little more controlling. A little more demanding. A little more demeaning. They might even expect something from their victim and create a punishment if it’s not taken seriously.“He might say, ‘If you had made me breakfast, then I would have given you grocery money for the week,’ ” Houchins said.Abusers, over time, stop asking how their partners feel and what they want. Then they start with the insults and criticisms. His victim starts feeling unattractive, unintelligent, unworthy, incapable.The victim tries harder, she said, but fails, it’s just not good enough.“You hear that enough times and you think maybe you have done something wrong,” Houchins said. “You start to learn the rules so you know how to behave. But because the rules are always changing, you always feel there’s a crisis pending.”Long term abuse damages a person’s self-worth, said Houchins, and victims don’t feel like they’re good people because they’ve been told they’re not. What’s more, she said, is they think they are powerless because they’ve been denied control over their own lives for so long.Victims are often paralyzed to take action or they second-guess any actions they do take.Houchins said this is not mental weakness. Rather, abuse leads to physiological changes. When the brain is in a chronic state of crisis, the body responds, she said. This chemistry can lead to anxiety and depression and then severe forms of confusion, brain fog, severe fatigue and other problems that can impact daily life.By the time they ask for help, many victims say, “ ‘I don’t know how we got here, but it’s gotten really big and really scary,’ ” Houchins said.The question people should ask is: What is loving behavior? How can I show my partner love? How do I want my partner to show me love? What is a healthy, loving relationship?“Healthy relationships don’t routinely tear down your sense of self esteem and self-worth,” Houchins said. “When someone loves you, they don’t use a vulnerability to control your behavior. They should be supportive. They don’t belittle you by making statements that make you feel vulnerable.”Abusers tend to target a victim and do what they need to do to feel in control of that victim. Because abuse behaviors are learned, in many cases, they can be unlearned.“Abusers need to acknowledge and take responsibility for what they’ve done,” said Houchins.Part of the problem, nationwide, is that people tend to blame the victim, she said.“We ask things like, ‘What were you wearing?’‘Why didn’t you leave?’ We don’t ask ‘What made you think it was OK to withhold food because she didn’t make you breakfast?’” Houchins said. “We ultimately ask women why they didn’t gain control over someone else’s behavior.”Victims of physical abuse don’t always call the police. Where physical violence is involved, that could make things worse. Sometimes victims do leave, and that’s a dangerous time, said Houchins, because abusers crave control, so they will increase the violence to regain control.Leaving is not safe or easy, she noted. Child custody, the division of property and financial security are big obstacles, not to mention love.Houchins said leaving is just the beginning. For those who make that decision, it starts the healing process; making sense of the experience, time to gain meaning from the relationship and time to determine a path to move forward.Victims of abuse need help, she said, and more help is needed to keep it from happening.“As a society, we can help by listening to victims, acknowledging victims and holding abusers accountable,” Houchins said.If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic abuse, call Turning Point for assistance 636-456-1186. The line is answered by staff that is trained in the dynamics of domestic and sexual violence whether the victim intends to stay or leave.Turning Point